In my last post on this account, I talked about relocating to a new city to be a thot with a good job. I did that, and I’m proud of how different my life looks now in comparison to how it looked when I last posted. Although I was hopeful during that time, I wasn’t happy. But, I want to be honest. I got the killer job on paper in a major city and some pretty cool friends, but I put my hoe aspirations to the side because I reluctantly discovered that I want to settle down.

I’m a flirt. I’m charming. I always have a compliment tucked somewhere in my mind (If you’re just now noticing that I always compliment you, I can assure you it’s not disingenuous. I’m aware of everyone’s need to feel special, and trust me, you are boo). *ignore that I did it again. I’ll say or ask whatever to make a person smile or relax in my presence. Because of that, my romantic relationships since my last serious relationship have been very surface level.

I hadn’t made dating a real priority. If a man wasn’t familiar or convenient, I wasn’t interested. I was looking for a job and nothing else was more important at the time. I got the job, and I was left to figure out what was next. I initially thought casual dating, and I hated it. I went on a few dates and took a few trips and all attempts and experiences lacked intimacy and overall appeal to commit to long term. I tried to suck the life out of some connections by trying to make something work, and I couldn’t even do that for very long (some of that is pride, but whatever). I wanted something genuine and permanent.

This search or longing was a challenge for me. My love life in the last 4 years has been stagnant, and it’s because I didn’t have a plan to get it up and moving. Selecting and pursuing a partner is easy for me. Finding a quality partner and keeping him is hard. Both processes (finding partnership and maintaining partnership) are like a muscle you have to work out and overtime it gets easier. It became obvious to me that I worked on one way more than the other, and I was embarrassed (because I’m a perfectionist and I want to be excellent at everything).

I got rid of the old guys thinking that was the answer, but I lost interest very quickly with the new guys. I even stopped leading in with funny and started being super serious and even mean. At some point, effort didn’t matter, witty banter didn’t matter, where they worked didn’t matter…I checked out once I got what I wanted: they’re attention. Before you roll your eyes here, I do eventually get to a point where I notice what I am doing wrong. This entire journey was as exhausting experiencing it as it is reading about it. Despite how easy it is to make someone open up to me, I honestly didn’t have the tools and willingness to do the same. In short, I was emotionally unavailable (while being light and fun and being stern). I got the same results every dating attempt.

Everyone knows that Iyanla ass saying, “your partners are direct reflection of you.” I would fight it so hard, because it requires you to admit some personality quirks or qualities about yourself that you aren’t proud of. My romantic relationships and partners lacked depth, commitment and openness because I did. Men are trash because I am trash. I have a friend that jokingly (seriously) reminds me of how nobody should take me seriously. I would laugh about it, but she was right. Who really wants to commit to someone working the room and slightly entertaining the options they do have? Nobody. Not even me…

I had to take a step back and really think about what I want and why I was having issues being able to show up for it. I’m currently in my period of stepping back. There’s some abandonment issues/incidents that happened in my teenage years there that I’m addressing in my down time, but I’ve already told you all most of my damn business (let me keep some stuff to myself). *ignore that the title is called Opening Up . I’m naturally charming, and I’m working on how to dial that back so both me and whoever I’m interested in can be seen for who we are and what we really want. I’m still single, and I wear it like a badge of honor because it’s nothing to be ashamed of, but like my last journey in my last post (go read it), I have faith some things will turn around in the near future.

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Consider this a tough love diary to myself for you all.

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