I lied in my last post. I was still working. I got rest for about two days, and on the third day, I was back to looking for things to do. Work out. Work at home in full capacity. Apply for jobs. Prospect for quarantine penis. You name it. I did it. Then I crashed and burned. I’m still praying, but that is pretty much a lifestyle for me. Despite that I curse just as much as my feisty grandma who taught me, I pray about everything. I always have. I always will.

This shit is hard, but no worries, I promised myself and my mom that I would relax (for real this time). 2020 was supposed to be my year, and not in a cliché way. I really made myself uncomfortable last year, so that I could have the life that I wanted this year. I got my bad eating habits out of the way. I dumped some people. I got my finances in order (I currently have no debt). I am known to put my friends and family first, and I really shook some things up and forced people to rely on anything but me. To know that the time and attention that I have right now for myself has been taken away from me, due to something out of my control and possibly prolonged because of other’s people’s lack of self-control and empathy, bothers me.

I had a part-time gig with the NBA, and if you’ve been watching the news, you’ll know the NBA is not a thing at the moment. My part-time gig was money that had been accounted for, and although I’m great with money, the extra money that job would have provided could have given me some comfort throughout this time. So naturally, I wanted to find another stream of income in my downtime. I had a job interview yesterday and I bombed it. My energy was low. My spirit was crushed. I couldn’t give very clear and concise answers because of the uncertainty of the future. I know all of this sounds crazy because it is. Understand that I have a tribe of people around me willing to give and I’ll never go without, but I’ve been adamant about waiting on God (I know this sounds crazier, but faith is faith). I went on a fast for seven days, and I haven’t seen the results of it. This is my issue, not God’s. I’m still not allowing him to interfere in some way. There’s a part of me that wants to keep fighting for my future (I’m losing like shit).

I’m an introvert by nature, but I wanted to be a go getter this year. In my last post, I talked about starting a project or working on something, and I think as a whole it may have been awful advice. If you’re a person who is used to having control over things, this is the perfect time to do nothing. This is something I’m currently working on (writing this goes against my resting promise).

If you’re bored and miserable in the house, stop comparing yourself to those who are not. We’re all figuring this thing out, trial and error (I made a shit ton of errors). You’re going to change emotions daily. You’re going to be fine and not fine simultaneously until all of this is over. I feel like I’m preaching to a choir (I’m also still on the clock), so I’m going to end this here. Take it one day at a time. God bless.

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Consider this a tough love diary to myself for you all.

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