I haven’t forgotten about my short stories. I’m still participating in fasting (I’ll talk about this later), but it didn’t occur to me that my love stories are much heavier than I thought. I had to put them on the shelf.

I’m a perfectionist. I’m responsible. I’m wise beyond my years.

I would love to say that all of the qualities are natural and take credit, but they are not, they are an extension of parenting. Both of my parents are full of knowledge and skilled in their own way, and I was raised to follow suit in the event they depart from the earth prematurely. At a very young age, I started preparing for life without their presence and guidance. I was taught to be independent. There are things my parents can save me from, and I respectfully decline. I have some escapist tendencies, but for the most part, I stay on top of my day to day responsibilities. In short, I’m a boss ass bitch.

If you haven’t been living under a rock (or partying on the beach in Clearwater), you’ll know the entire world has been encouraged to distance themselves socially due to the coronavirus, also known as COVID-19. I’m still unsure of how I feel about it, and each day of fasting changes my perspective. But overall it has impeded on my financial plans, and I’m being forced to not have a firm grip on my life for once. This disease is making me chill even when I can’t afford to.

In my previous paragraphs, I talked about my own greatness. I talk about how I contribute to my life’s success, I even throw a lay up to my parents. No mention of God. Not the universe. Not fate. Not divine timing, and that’s a huge problem. I’VE BEEN ON GO FOR AS LONG AS I CAN REMEMBER. SO MUCH SO THAT I HAVE NOT MADE ANY ROOM FOR BLESSINGS OR MIRACLES BEYOND MY CONTROL TO MANIFEST. I even tried to do some chores to feel responsible in some way. That did not last.

My luck these past couple of days has been awful. I’ve been mistreated by an employer, I’ve been at risk for a sinus infection, I’ve been denied opportunities for advancements, etc. But, I’ve had the most fun in my tiny bedroom that I’ve had in a long time. Friends have called me and we’ve laughed for hours. I’ve binge watched the Powerpuff Girls. I haven’t checked my 401k. I’ve shot my shot at a few guys. I’ve taken walks and maintained my fitness routines (met a few neighbors along the way). It’s been great. My life is still kinda shitty, but I’m giving it to God. I believe he’ll show himself strong, I just haven’t made a way for him to do it because I’ve been doing it myself. I’m taking a break.

If you’re a little anxious and your life is filled with uncertainty, please take advantage of the stillness social distancing provides. Start a project. Work on your mental health. Focus on your physical health. Rehash a relationship (one with potential). You’re never going to get this free time back. When all of this blows over, understand that everything is going to redirect at a fast pace (I’m already thinking about stuff that I want to do). Make sure you’re charged up for it.

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Consider this a tough love diary to myself for you all.

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