The biggest lessons COVID-19 has taught me thus far, is that structures and plans can’t always be Plan A. Plan Bs and Cs are just as clutch and rewarding if you allow them to be, even if you’re just winging it. Some of the greatest things you’ll ever get in life will just fall into your lap for reasons unexplained and sometimes undeserving. Due to uncertain times, I have to trust my processes even when they’re painful. There are people who have taken precautions and somehow still became infected with the virus and they are recovering and kicking that virus’ ass right now. But, this blog post isn’t about that, it’s actually about my love life.

Like everyone else that’s single and bored in the house, I’ve had time to reflect on my relationships over the years. I have one in particular that is complicated and very much unrequited. Before you all call me a liar in some form, I’d like to leave a disclaimer. Despite my inability to form in-depth, meaningful romantic relationships long term, I still have the ability to genuinely love someone and I have for quite some time. If I can be honest, we all have some emotional availability and a soft spot for someone, even me.

When I think about this relationship, the rollout of it would have been very simple, but for whatever reason it was not in my mind. I had opportunities to bring up that I wanted something exclusive, and I never took it. I’ve tried to make plans for it to manifest perfectly, and there was not a plan in the world that would allow it to happen. I would wait until I got a job. Wait until we lived in the same city. Wait until I broke up with someone. Wait until he broke with someone. Wait until I thought people wouldn’t care about it. I was always waiting on something (this wait is self imposed). So I gave up.

When I’m asked why I’m single or why this person wasn’t considered, I always blamed it on timing, which I’m learning is an illusion. There’s never going to be a perfect time for a relationship (although if you’re financially not secure, please stay single). I think I’ve been using time as a crutch, instead of just admitting the truth. I’ve always rejected this connection because I never had control of how it would form, and it bothered me. I would even openly let this person move forward without me and make connections with other women because I didn’t have definite answer that it would actually work in my favor (never cared about his). This sounds nuts and defeatist, and that’s because it is.

There’s a part of me that can’t even believe I’m admitting this, as I tend to focus more on my career and friendships, but the perceived loneliness (this is an illusion as well), has forced me to be vulnerable and acknowledge that I would have wanted to be quarantined with someone that I love. I settled for family, and don’t get me wrong, they’re great. But this downtime that I’ve had, has allowed me to expose versions of me that I would have never displayed publicly.

Although I’m being open and acknowledging that there is someone that I want to be with, there’s a possibility it may never happen, but the real test in all of this is knowing that I can’t make expectations out of it or force it to happen or not happen. I’m kinda just going with the flow and I’m scared as hell. I really don’t have much advice here, this post was for me more than my readers. But, if you have some people in your life that you need to let in, I hope this gives you the go ahead to try and see what happens. If nothing happens, understand that they have that right and you can’t control the outcome.

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Consider this a tough love diary to myself for you all.

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