A couple of months ago I told God that if he made some things happen for me, I would tell it to the entire world for inspiration. I think some people look to me for guidance, but I am not as open about my obstacles, and it has created an illusion over the years about my abilities.

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2016 was a summer of fun for a lot of people. Drake dropped Views and the world decided they were going to fall in love and have it up for the rest of the year. I did dabble in a bit of clubbing, but for the most part I was somehow fresh off of a break up preparing to start a new job in a new city in a tiny studio apartment.

2020 feels a lot like 2016 for me, and initially in the worst way possible. But after several conversations with friends and God, my perspective has changed. Although both years were seemingly painful, it was important that I figured how they were positively the same. Both years are follow up transition years that came as result of ending relationships with people that didn’t have my best interest at heart despite how much they thought they did. It takes a ton of strength to walk away from people you thought you needed, and I’m proud to have been able to muster up that courage both times.

I ended an important friendship that I could no longer maintain for several reasons, and I don’t care to explain why publicly. But the decision has impacted me emotionally and financially, and I had to take it to the chin because the future logically was a brighter option for me even though I don’t know what it quite looks like. In short, I feel like a divorcee getting myself back together after a nasty break up for the second time in a row in less than 5 years. I didn’t plan for this, but I didn’t realize that I am equipped to navigate through it (despite covid-19 being an extra challenge) because I’ve been here before.

I can say with confidence 2017 and 2018 were great years for me. I had started my first job straight out of college, I learned how to build relationships in a new city, and I grew stronger spiritually and financially. In 2019, I took all those tools I had acquired to a larger new city and I killed it. I learned how to become an adult in 3 years, and I’ll probably talk about them for the rest of my life. 2020 has been shit show for everyone, unless you’re one of the lucky ones God still has his hand on. It is my hope that 2021 will be a reflection of the emotional and spiritual work that I am doing now. I’m learning how to not be so rigid in my planning, and if I’m consistent, next year will be more enjoyable regardless of what’s going on in the world.

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In my last post, I talked about how I had a community of people invest in a decision that I had to make. My lease with my friend ends in June, and I didn’t have enough time to save up for the cost of the move or the transition fees it takes to renew lease. My initial plan was to take up a second job, work it for a few months so that I could make up the difference in expenses I would have acquired not having a roommate. My second job required a large amount of human interaction, which covid-19 doesn’t allow for obvious reasons. On top of that, I didn’t feel quite comfortable committing to a contract with the current economy. I had some things to consider and going back to my hometown wasn’t an option despite my current company having properties there.

Fortunately for me, the national unemployment rate is not in congruence with the unemployment rate in Mecklenburg county. I even had a recruiter reach out to me for interviews, which lessened that fear of possible unemployment. I’m still a quality candidate out here. Saying this to say, I have options, but in order to move forward, I had to face my fears, sign a lease and downsize in my apartment space, something I thought I was done doing at 23. A studio apartment almost approaching 27 wasn’t apart of my life’s plan. I had no desire to play it small again.

All of these challenges are growing pains, but my needs are still being met on a very basic level, which isn’t a reality for some people right now so I have to be grateful. I’m scared as hell, but there’s a small part of me that is excited for my second beginning even if it’s initially a little janky and humble. My next post won’t be about this, but I want to thank everyone who has made my move into my new apartment much easier. I might show it off more on my 27th quarantine birthday coming up in July.

Consider this a tough love diary to myself for you all.

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