I like to preface this with a warning of not being too attached to my writing or this account. This along with my other talents are only for me and whoever I’m dating at the time.

I had really high hopes for this year. Despite how (insert whatever impression you have of me here), I’m probably the most ambitious person I know. I fucked around a ton in high school and college, so I decided to play catch up in the process of being who I should be around the age of 22. In 2017, I came up with this elaborate plan to relocate to a larger city in hopes of working in a more competitive job market, having sex with more interesting men, and being more accessible to restaurants and venues that I’d love to frequent. My close friends were more privy to the woes of my job search, but starting around April of this year, I’d been close to relocating four times, each time feeling more and more disappointed as the companies and opportunities became more reputable with more money offered. Because of this, I took a break over the summer because my spirit had been crushed and my mind needed a break.

I felt there was some form of divine intervention involved (because of the progression),but then the opportunities stopped for awhile. Around October, I got an email from a recruiter of well-known, prized publishing company and I just couldn’t wrap my mind around what I had just read. Although ambitious, my dreams are attainable goals. So when things are beyond what I imagine, I believe God is involved. Everyone thinks I’m a journalist, which is my fault because I don’t correct them, but I actually work in Advertising. This company would have merged my personal interests, my degree and my actual career path into one, so I took the recruiter up on his offer.

The process was very quick and painless and I was actually quite shocked that my imposter syndrome didn’t kick in. I had a few pushback from friends and family about the location, but I don’t let other people’s fears stop me from doing anything. I had money saved. I had connected with the people who interviewed me online. I had prepared a small community around me for support and then I found out I didn’t get the job….

Later that day I got a phone call from a relative stating that I’d actually have to put my career goals on hold for awhile and move back home. Writing this was very hard for me because I don’t open up to people in general, but also because I don’t have some happy ending that will encourage anyone reading this to keep going. Misfortune aside, I still feel like God isn’t done with me yet despite how frustrated I am with his absence.

My plan is still in motion, but I’ve adjusted it to take place in my hometown. I look at my peers and other women on television killing it in their respected fields, and I look at it as something to look forward to rather than a reminder of my own life feeling insignificant. I smile and picture some major moment coming up later in life and kinda whisper to myself, “before the magic…”

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Consider this a tough love diary to myself for you all.

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