I had a friend ask me if I planned on writing during the pandemic. I initially thought no. My thoughts have been negative and my mind has been all over the place. Truth is, I’ve been sleeping and feeling sorry for myself this entire time. I’ve been with family, and they have tried their best to make my environment fun and safe, and my mind just hasn’t caught up with it. I always want to be responsible on my platform, so I thought not writing on this all together is much better than being on here complaining about things I can’t change. Instead I’ll write anyway, and I’ll stick to my usual schtick: transparency.

I started working from home the first week of March, which is pretty early in comparison to the rest of the country. Rather than my health, I immediately thought about job security, the economy, bills, etc. I’m not a monster, I promise, I’ll get back to my concern on health later. Truth is, I like certainty, and I like structure (if you’ve been following me for some time now, you’re aware of this.) There has been tweets, memes, Facebook posts, etc. circulating around that are pretty much saying people who have knowingly and unknowingly tied their identity to their productivity, their network, and their jobs are having a hard time adjusting in this pandemic, and I find myself falling into these categories. Every day, month and year I expect to grow.

In one short month, I have made decisions that got me closer to possibly avoiding failure, and I have been favored each time. When I got lonely, I stayed with friends for a few days. When I wanted to laugh, I had friends call me. When I needed encouragement, I had people encourage me (despite that they’re dealing with their own issues this pandemic has caused them). I had an issue with an employer, and I was payed accordingly, yet I still feel like I don’t have much money. I had a virus scare with a family member, and that family member is now fine. I left Charlotte to live with family, and I was covered by God during a 9 hour drive I took with very little rest (I almost got a speeding ticket and the cop gave me a warning). I had my own issues with my health (I have severe allergies that I thought was the virus), and my grandmother, a retired nurse, nursed and talked to me on the phone for 3–4 hours for 3 days straight. I have been blessed. I can acknowledge it and attribute it to the creator, and I still don’t feel very abundant or happy.

I’m worried about my job, and the possibility of not having one terrifies me. But, it’s also forcing me to focus on the small wins God has given me and see myself outside the amount of money I have in my account, what car I drive, where I live, what job I have. I have to ask myself, “how much am I willing to lose? will I be okay without these things?” The answer is yes. I’ve been surrounded by love and support despite these things. I have food and I have shelter, even if it doesn’t meet my personal expectations of what I had for my life. If things don’t turn around in the next few months, that may be my reality for awhile despite whatever personal esteem and degree made me thought I deserved. I have to be okay with not having or succeeding, especially if I’m not the reason behind it.

If I can be honest, I’m still not fine, and I won’t be for days or weeks at a time. I have years worth of points of views that I need to unlearn in months. But, I’m working on my mindset in the meantime that might benefit me for the rest of my life. I might fail and lose a lot of money and material things because of this, and as much as I hate it, as much as I want to avoid it, I will still be fine. If you’re reading this, please stay at home (if you have the privilege), appreciate your health, love on your family (if you’re mentally capable as I am not), avoid touching your face, and wash your hands. You’ll hear from me soon.

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Consider this a tough love diary to myself for you all.

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